Queerness: When Did You First Know?
When did you first know you were queer? How did this materialize and when did you first define it?
My journey to queerness is not a specific point in time, rather, it was something that I grew into. When I look back at my experiences, I notice subtleties that make me go “Ohhhh yes, that makes sense. I was just queer and experiencing attraction.”
The cookie-cutter moment when I first materialized and defined this, was when I first slept with a woman. It was actually in a threesome environment. But I noticed I was much more drawn to her, than to him. I kept thinking about her, and wanting to see her again. And that sent me down the panic spiral of: am I queer? Am I gay? Am I bi? What is happening within me and how do I define my own sexuality?
I started to explore my queerness more after that, and solidified myself in my queer identity. I still struggle with finding the right word to fit my sexuality. Am I bi, am I pan, am I queer? Queer is a word that fits best for me right now. So I’m owning it.
But looking back, the signs were clear. Falling in love with Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean, kissing girls at parties as “practice”, and doing many Buzzfeed quizzes asking myself “am I gay?”. Sleeping with a woman was the moment I really owned my queerness and really defined it for myself. But when did I first know? I’m not so sure. The clues were there… I just had to be driven to see them.
And that’s just my journey. We all have our own twists and turns in coming to terms with our queerness and starting to explore it. Here is what other people within our community have to say about when they first knew they were queer:
“I watched 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' and that changed something in me. I spent a few years being an ally because I felt like no matter who I loved I stil wanted to be part of the queer community. As soon as I moved out I had my first experience and I immediately knew.”
“At sixteen when I started to notice that I was jealous a (girl)friend of mine was flirting with a guy (and not with me!). We eventually ended up together but it was a struggle for me to accept myself and even say the words out loud. I first defined my bisexuality in the course of the first 2 months since realising I liked her. Looking back there were previous instances to that one when I was attracted to girls but I hadn't realised I was looking with desire and it was a fleeting thought at that time.”
“When I was 11 I went to ´fashion summer camp´ where we would spend the week creating outfits out of scrap fabrics. At the end of the week there was a catwalk where we would showcase our self made garments. One of the girls I was there with was walking on this catwalk and thats when I started feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I fell in love with her that day, but never saw her again after that.”
When did you first know you were queer?
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